The Burden

Let me preface this by saying that I have trouble verbalizing. I can write my thoughts, and somewhat my feelings, but to get into an actual conversation horrifies me. I have always had difficulty expressing myself so this may be a jumbled mess by the time I am done. If so, please forgive me.

The last year and a half has been a little rough. At the end of January 2015, I was in a car accident just as I was preparing to make a huge move to be with the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I received whiplash, a concussion and bruised ribs. It could have been much worse I suppose. A couple of weeks later, I had started my new job but after only two months, I was stricken with some kind of dizziness and headache that sent me home halfway through my shift. Over a year later, even as I write this now, these symptoms continue with little relief in sight.

In June 2015, my father was diagnosed with stomach cancer, which led to surgery in October to have it removed. The doctors seemed happy with the results and he appeared to be improving rapidly. In April 2016 however, he was admitted to the hospital because he was having difficulty walking. He only left the hospital for one day after that, before a fall sent him right back in. His condition quickly deteriorated and we lost him on June 9th.

Through all of this I have tried to be strong. I don’t want to burden my loved ones with the pain I have been feeling. I feel that I need to be strong for them. I didn’t think that I had time to let myself deal with my emotions. So what did I do? I pushed them back deep inside and ignored them. Then more and more piled on top and the weight of the burden was harder and harder to take. I could feel myself slip further and further into frustration and a growing dark place. That dark place can be really tough to escape.

So what do I do now? Luckily for me, my partner is super caring and patient. She encourages me to talk to her on my own time…once I am ready. Of course, she always hints that I am already there if I would just realize it myself. I can tell you that I still deeply dislike talking but I have begun trying with her…a little bit. That is a start, right? Every step forward, no matter how small, is still a step in the right direction. At least, that is what I have heard.

Lana Carbon

www.carbonlilies.tumblr.com

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